Billy of a Lesser God

Armistead Maupin screwed me over! Well not really, but close.

2006-07-13T10:03:00.000-05:00

Last week I read this book called The Night Listener” by Armistead Maupin, Maupin is famous for the Tales in the City series of books. Here is a synopsis I found online for the book:

"Gabriel Noone forms a bond with a young, troubled listener to his late-night radio show. As Noone's friendship with the dying boy grows, he feels he can unlock his innermost feelings. But troubling questions arise, and he is forced to confront all his relationships - familial, romantic and erotic."

The troubling question the synopsis is referring to is whether the dying young boy actually exists or not. I feel screwed after reading it I felt that over all it was an excellent book. However, at the end there is no resolution. I finished it with no idea whether the boy was actually real or an elaborate literary hoax. Knowing that this was based on real events and feeling kind of burned by this, I decided to do a bit of online research. In my furious internet hunt I came across a great article from the New York Post all about it. This is some serious fucked up stuff. The article is well worth the read if you have a few free minutes. I of course don’t have the link ready so if you would like to read it you will have to do some of your own research… Just Google Anthony Godby Johnson (which is the name of the dying boy in question).

2 months since the airline

2006-07-07T06:13:00.000-05:00

Well Mario has worked for the airline for 2 months now. To my surprise I have not freaked out yet… well at least not completely. It seems that loneliness has been the best diet ever as I have lost ten pounds in the last 2 months.

I have also quit smoking, sort of (I had one yesterday afternoon). I went to a party last Saturday and got super drunk and remember bits and pieces of the evening but what I remember clearly is someone saying “wow, you chain smoke”. Not the most pleasant compliment to hear, so I decided to yet again give it a try. I have quit several times and failed… I think that even if I cut down that will be good enough for me.

That’s about all there is to report today.

Cyberbored

2006-05-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

Wow. I really have nothing of interest to write about. I have a screaming headache and all that’s on TV is this terrible Stephen King movie called “desperation” with Steven Webber, the guy from the TV show Wings.

I promise more excitement in a few days, perhaps I will get myself into some sticky situations and hilarity will ensue.

Het vdiiinc doec kceuds sas

2006-05-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

The title is my secret code for: The Divinci Code sucked ass. Mario and I went yesturday afternoon to see it and quite literally spent the entire afternoon watching it. It was so long that I was worried we would exit the theatre to see that the four horsemen had already came and went, worried that we had been "left behind".

Something good did come from this movie. As with many relationships you sometimes find yourself wondering things like: is this the man for me, did I make the right choice, did I leave the iron on at the hotel? Well in the movie there is a scene where the main female character (I don't want to give to much away but... well fuck it, Amélie is Jesus's great grand baby and Gandolph is the secret bad guy, you don't find out all of this until the very end... so try and act surprised.) sneaks home from boarding school and catches her grandfather engaging in creepy pagan rituals which involve old men all wearing cloaks and silver masks, standing in a circle watching a couple go at it. Mario turns to me in the theatre and says "Fidelio". I am not going to explain this joke, those of you who get it will understand why I am still laughing the next day... as my mother would say: He's a keeper.

So I am currently sitting in a hotel in Calgary, keeping with the whole Divinci Code theme of the weekend, we have decided to make my presence in the hotel a secret. I lurk in the back stairwells and only use the back door to enter and exit, perhaps Dan Brown will help to uncover this secret and make us pay for two guest's instead of one.

If there was ever a question about my sexual preference….

2006-05-12T03:31:00.000-05:00

Its 330am… and I am awake, I haven’t been feeling all that well lately and I just woke up and can not get back to sleep. I am watching the Golden Girls. Watching the Golden Girls reminds me of a funny story.

I was at a party at my brother’s apartment about 5 years ago and I decided to go out on the balcony for a cigarette. Next to me smoking was this guy who was about 30 years old or so, we started talking about the Golden Girls (I don’t know how we started talking about the Golden Girls). Well, I made some kind of offensive comment about Estelle Ghetty, who is the actress that played the family matriarch “Sophia”. His face turned purple with anger. It turns out he was the president of an Estelle Ghetty fan club or something like that. It was so bizarre… He started talking about how they met once at an airport and that they still write letters back and forth. Anyway I left the party a few minutes later feeling like a big asshole because I hurt his feelings.

The moral of this story: who cares about the Golden Girls.

The erotic awakening of Billy

2006-05-06T23:03:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that it has been almost a year since I have posted anything on here... from looking at the entries it would appear that I went to Toronto and then just disappeared. As my legions of devoted fans will tell you, this is not the case (In San Juan I am known as "Billy de un poco Dios" and on my birthday they carry a flower effigy of me through the streets). I just got lazy and lost all will to update this thing. I promise you this: I am back, and I will not stop until the world is rid of crime. Sorry about that crime stuff, I was just watching Batman Begins on cable... I guess it got me excited. I don't know if you have ever seen it but Liam Niesen doesn't play a very good villain, he should stick to playing a sex doctor or chasing Jodi Foster around in the woods.

Not too much has changed since last I put anything down on this cyber journal of sorts. I quit my job for a much better one. Mario and I are still together and going strong.

I really don’t have a whole lot to say today, so I will leave the masses to ponder this thought: Did anybody else start laughing when Jake came back from Mexico with a “dirty scanchez” in the movie Brokeback Mountain?

2005-07-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

Please don't take a picture

2005-06-12T19:39:00.000-05:00

1:00 pm Sunday

My parents arrive to pick me up a little later then normal for our regular Sunday dinner. I am a complete mess, my eyes are so red and my throat so fucking dry. There is all this black shit in my hair. I have no time for a shower. Looks like cologne and a baseball hat will have to do for this afternoon. After all… It’s just my parents.

12:52 pm Sunday

The phone rings and it is my mother, she is outside and I can hear my father in the background honking the horn of the tiny car. I get out of bed and quickly assess the situation before Mario leaves.

11:00 am Sunday

I fumble around again for the phone and call my mother. We agree that she will pick me up at around 1pm.

10:00 am Sunday

I awake to the sound of the phone ringing; my head is pounding like a motherfucker. It took me good four or five rings to crawl out of bed and locate the cordless. The caller was already gone so hit *99 to check for messages, there are 7. Most of the calls are from my parents. One of the calls is at 730 am. This is indeed my fault. Yesterday afternoon at a family birthday party I informed my mother that I wanted to avoid the gay pride parade so they would need to pick me up as early as possible. I was adamant with her that I was not going out. Instead of calling them back I decided to crawl back into bed.

4:30 am Sunday

I take about 50 pictures of Mario and I in my bed before passing out. Not the type of pictures that would end up being regretted, a just picture of him and I together drunk and smiling, all clothing is on.

4:00 am Sunday

Mario and I were pretty drunk and decided to leave the bar as soon as possible… it was raining and we were both dripping with sweat from the dancing. Before leaving I went into the ladies room downstairs, while washing my hands I removed my cowboy hat and was shocked to see the look of the girl next to me. She mumbled something about my hair being black. We jumped into a cab outside and when we arrived at my apartment he claimed that he “forgot” to put on the meter. I said he was getting five dollars and we left the cab. Mario and I went into my apartment.

3:00 am Sunday

While Mario and I were on the dance floor I ran into an old friend from High school. She looked great and I told her so. I wanted to talk to her for longer but I was much more interested in the dance floor as Mario had removed his shirt and the DJ was playing New Order.

2:30 am Sunday

Mario, Oscar and I went outside to have a cigarette. A very pretty girl asked if she could trade me one of her menthol cigarettes for one of out regular ones, we said yes. She told us that she was a lesbian; well she thought she was anyway. Oscar told her that she wouldn’t know unless she had sex with a man and gave it a good try. I told her that was terrible advice and that if she wanted to fuck girls then she should just do that. Moments later this creepy looking guy was behind us asking if we would like to change where we were standing so that we could hang out with a drag queen “Ms. Desire”. I asked why he was asking us and he said that she requested us. I found this funny and we all openly laughed at this oh too gaunt fag. We declined the offer to stand next to her and he left us alone. Just then the lesbian cam back and told us that in the last five minutes she met a wonderful pretty girl. We wanted to meet her so we followed the lesbian, we should not have. It would appear that she is not only a lesbian, but also a stupid lesbian; she was introducing us to Ms. Desire. Ms. Desire asked my name and I told her and laughed. I couldn’t contain myself. Fucking weirdo.

2:00 am Sunday

It was time to leave the social and go elsewhere. What better way to do this then via a bus full of homos? I must say that it’s a strange feeling to be riding a bus, Brittany Spears blaring from the sound system, drink still in hand, cigarette still in mouth, and grinding with an old friend I haven’t seen in months all at the same time.

1:00 am Sunday

I can’t believe how much I am actually enjoying myself. I am drunk and don’t care how fat I look in this shirt. I ran into some old friends and forgot one of their boyfriend’s names. I didn’t talk to them long as the dance floor was too tempting for me. On the dance floor I bumped into an old friend and he introduces me to his boyfriend. It’s a small world; his boyfriend and I worked together several years ago.

11:00 pm Saturday

As we arrive at the social I am unsure if I should be here. I was adamant about not going however at the same time I really wanted to go and be with Mario. I had so much fun last night with him; he makes me think of nothing else. It looks like there is a good turnout though… And the bar is close by. Mario, Nigel and I began to drink immediately. It took five minutes before we were on the dance floor. Next to the dance floor was an out of shape Go Go boy that made me feel so much better about myself. A girl next to us is already far too drunk and falls over.

9:00 pm Saturday

Mario and I arrive at Nigel’s, shortly afterwards another friend of Nigel’s arrives. The martinis are flowing and I stated that I felt I needed to become a tad gayer. Nigel dashes to the bedroom and returns with a cowboy hat. I remarked that I liked the look but not the colour, he took the hat from me and went back to his bedroom. Nigel returned once again with another cowboy hat in another colour, black. I was happy with this hat and decided to wear it. The only problem was the fact that the hat was spray painted black, very ghetto. I just hope the colour doesn’t flake off.

Homo's a poppin

2005-06-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

Last night Mario wanted to meet up with some of his friends at FreeHouse on Osborne. We arrived at about 9pm. Before me were two of the most irritating women I have ever met (for fear that they are both blowing a drug dealer, I have decided not to use their names). I will call them Blondie and Brownie. Blondie was wearing a large belt in place of a skirt and Brownie was adorned in something that I imagine was originally intended for an eight-year-old girl. Blondie was going on for quite some time about the time that Brownie went to work all “fuct up!”. The evening got worse and worse, and just when I thought that it couldn’t get any worse, it did. This crazy old guy dressed in the flashiest shirt I have ever seen, came over and started dancing beside us (important to note that Freehouse is not a dance club). Blondie then informed us that this was her father.. And then stated that her father was not a homosexual, and neither was the man in the leather blazer that accompanied him. Mario and I quickly decided that Blondie has no idea what is going on with her father and his obvious boyfriend. At about 11pm we decided that the friends we were supposed to meet up with were not coming and we left. Best decision of the Night.

Mario and I then met up with Nigel at his place for more drinks. There was very little mix left in Nigel’s cupboards so we had some rather strong drinks. After about 3 of these martinis I was starting to feel a little bit better about the evening and had started to forget Blondie and Brownie. Once Mario and I started making out like 15 year olds on Nigel’s sofa it was decided that it was time to move on. I was originally going to just go home and sleep as I don’t like bars but on the other side… Mario looked cute and I had already had way too much to drink.

We arrived at Gio’s at about 1am. After a few cigarettes and much more drinking I observed 2 of my ex boyfriends on opposite sides of the bar. I was afraid that I would see them and I think that, that may have had a lot to do with my hesitation to go in the first place. However something wonderful happened, I didn’t care. I saw them and I just didn’t care, if anything I thought that my ex looked terrible. Simply Awesome! I drank a little more and danced with Mario, who deserves an honorable mention for being the hottest guy there last night.

Nigel met these two cute guys but as of this morning has forgotten their names. If you or someone you know has at any point met one of these men please email me and I will forward that info on to Nigel.

That’s all for now… 10 days till Toronto.

Toronto or bust

2005-06-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

Its just over 2 weeks away from my big Gay vacation. I have decided that instead of flying out I will drive there with my parents. I am going to be in the big city for Gay Pride, I have been informed that’s a wee bit of a big deal there. This is the 25^th anniversary of Gay pride for the city of Toronto and I have heard reports of anywhere from 2 to 3 million fags crowding the streets. I am actually quite nervous about the whole thing. I am worried that if I expect too much I wont enjoy myself. To combat this I have decided to just think that anything at all is better then the Gay Pride in Winnipeg. Lowering my expectations always works out.

It is Pride week here in Winnipeg now and I myself have decided not to take part in many of the activities, particularly the parade. Now I know that some reading may start to think that maybe I am one of those self-hating fags, or in the closet and afraid of being outed… I assure you that this is not the case. I guess that I just don’t see any point in watching a flat bed truck jammed full of manly looking, coked up drag queens lip-syncing to Madonna. In Winnipeg we also have this very sad social to recognize the fact we have little to no gay community (sorry fella’s, I am predicting more fat girls then gay boys). If you like only bad Paul Oakenfold knock offs and dancing shirtless on a speaker then by all means, don’t let me stop you. Just not my cup of tea.

Wow… Im in a pissy mood today. Perhaps I should just give in and conform. Now where did I put those Christina remix CD’s?

Again with the excuse’s

2005-06-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

It’s been almost a month since my last update on this all to personal media. Forgive me for my callousness but I have been ever so busy. Here is the semi quick run down (he he, I said semi) of the last few weeks’ events.

I decided to look elsewhere for employment just to exercise my options in the workforce. I applied for a job very close to home in the same industry I am currently in. The interview process was very long and drawn out leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I did however get the job; only to later turn it down as in the long run the company couldn’t offer me what I was looking for. A special mention goes out the HR manager, as he was incredibly hot and I was able to easily diagnose him as a raging homosexual (see reference to semi in above paragraph). So long story even longer… I am still with the same company.

Next item up for discussion is the exciting events that took place the night of my last update. I went to a BBQ with some friends. The weather was less then satisfactory for the event so we spent most of the time inside getting drunker then the Dutch at Easter. The BBQ was held at the home of Neil (herein referred to as the swinging bachelor). It seems that the swinging bachelor had a few adult videos and seeing as how we are all mature adults we felt that it would not be awkward for us to view the video as a group of friends (about 8 of us). This was a poor decision. The Video was entitle “Share the Load”, and share they did. There was a particular vignette in this epic of straight erotica that had me curled up into the fetal position. Unfortunately for the reader this scene cannot be described. It just can’t be understood without doing a dirty finger grabby motion. I was unaware that straight people make porno that icky. Do not refer to semi in paragraph one.

Does any one remeber the disfigured guy from the Goonies?

2005-06-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

Here is my most recent picture. Julie says that I resemble a person with an extra chromosome, and I would have to agree that one of my eyes looks kinda fucked up, but how can you say no to that smile? Mario says that the picture makes me look a little bit larger then I am. On that advice I have decide to take pictures of my genitals in this lighting. Cheers folks.

Are the KKK trying to get into my pants?

2005-05-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

This week at work a co-worker provided me with an opportunity to take part in an invite only sale at Tommy Hilfiger. Being a big homo I determined that this was too good to pass up. As I am such a great guy I thought that I would call a few friends and see if they would also like to get in on this chance for cheap Tommy stuff. Things were going well. I was happy, my friends were happy. All was well in the universe.

Last night I was chatting with Nigel on MSN and asked him if he was interested. He quickly said no and then gave me the strangest explanation as to why. Nigel stated that he does not support Tommy Hilfiger because he is a racist; he was basing this information on an interview Hilfiger did on Oprah. According to Nigel as well as Mario (Mario at the time was on my sofa), Hilfiger told Oprah that if he knew that African Americans and Asians would wear his clothing he would never have become a designer. Hilfiger went on to remark that his clothing is meant for only for upper class white people. Oprah then asked Hilfiger to leave the set.

I was shocked by this sorted tale of Racism. Conflicted by the new hatred of Hilfiger and the comfort of the boxer briefs, Nigel did some Google searching for me. Below is what we found:

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/weekly/aa121698.htm

Good times.

Gone drinking!

Lets take a ride down memory lane

2005-05-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

I have changed my schedule at work so that I start quite early in the morning. Thankfully a Manitoba labor law stated that if an employee starts before 6am then that employees company must provide transportation to work. This obvious oversight in our legislature has afforded me a paid taxicab ride to work every morning. I usually enjoy this relaxing ride into work, except of course, for this morning.

First of all, the cab took almost 25 minutes to arrive. Strike 1.

The best part about the cab ride into work is the silence. You don’t have to deal with any of the mindless talking or listening to the muffled sounds of 30 different songs playing on 30different Ipods like on city transportation. The only thing that could possibly ruin this is a cab driver that likes to talk. Lets call him a “chatty cabbie”. I had the misfortune of riding in to work with one of the above-mentioned “chatty cabbies”. Strike 2.

It seems that the cab driver formerly lived in my building; in fact he lived in my apartment. I was at first excited at the chance to yell at the guy who did such a bad paint job over the upside down star on the ceiling of my bedroom but alas… it was not he. He had not lived in the building in 5 years. He went on and on about how he couldn’t believe how much the rent had gone up and how I must be crazy to live in that building. This wonderful cabbie than made the following remark: “I’m glad to be out of the neighborhood really… I mean there was always so many fagots around”.

Strike 3.

I, in perfect Billy fashion did nothing about it. I have decided to leave it all to Karma.

Is checkout still 11am?

2005-04-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I had decided that I would “borrow” a movie from the Internet. I was looking for the 3^rd Blade movie. I have no interest in the story but I just can’t say no to indie movie pixie Parker Posey. Also, I was informed that Canadian Ryan Reynolds has his shirt off an awful lot, as last Friday I went with friends to see Amityville, which is also staring Ryan’s chest. Clearly I was helpless against the pull of sexy good times (as the French say “Le Hi jinks, de sex”).

Well after a couple of minutes I wanted to check and see if the quality was any good so I could make a decision as to continue downloading or not. To my surprise… I wasn’t downloading Blade 3 at all. Some evil prankster had posted the Paris Hilton sex tape and was masquerading it as the movie I originally wanted. For those of you who are interested (Jess), the movie is titled “One night at the Paris Hilton”. Quite a clever title I have to admit. If you would like more information on how to obtain this video you can click on the following link: http://imdb.com/title/tt0412260/, or just try to download a copy of the movie Blade 3. And for the record, once I discovered that this was not Blade 3, I did in fact opt not to stop the download.

I have to say that the movie is cinematic genius… or as close as you can get to cinematic genius when using something you purchased at Best-buy. “One night at The Paris Hilton” is superbly directed by Rick Salomon who at the time was dating (laugh) Paris Hilton. I am unsure which part I enjoyed more. Could it have been Salomon’s stylish narration of how dumb she was and how excited he was that she was only nineteen? Or was it the scene when Paris hops off to answer the phone (I imagine it was Nicole Ritchie looking for weed).

Bald is Beautiful

2005-04-26T07:46:00.000-05:00

I shaved my head this weekend. My ex Adam was very against the idea but hes gone so… oh well. Frankly I love it. I decided to this because I was at my regular Klan meeting last week and when I took off my hood the guys said, “Jeeze your hair is long”. That of course is not true. But I am interested in some opinions. I don’t trust my friends I would rather I get critiqued from complete strangers.

TO or not TO?

2005-04-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

My brother called last night and planted the evil idea into my head of spending sometime in the Sodom and Gomorra that is Toronto. The plan is that I would arrive at the end of June just before Gay pride and stay for the week afterwards.

Pride I can handle but I am a tad worried that I won’t leave… ever. This poses some interesting questions. Should I move to Toronto? I am not sure if I would enjoy it there, the subways the traffic, the smog, the gay men on every corner, the nonstop party attitude…

Anybody in Toronto need a roommate?

Mambo ItaliaNO

2005-04-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to an Italian wedding social with my two friends Nigel and Mario. I have never been the greatest at wedding socials, I just cant get passed the fact that I am paying ten dollars for the ticket to support a wedding I wont get invited to. On the plus side though, it was an Italian wedding social so the food was great and most of the guys weren’t that bad to look at.

To get to this special event we called a cab from Nigel’s. The cab driver we thought was a man at first, but it soon became far to evident that this was no man. This was some sort of Chernobyl side effect barely hiding in a middle age women’s body. Mario informed her where we needed to go to which she responded with “I have no idea where that is”; Mario then responded to that statement with this wonderful little quip:

“I’m sorry, aren’t you a Taxi cab driver?”

She did not seem impressed with the 3 fags in the back seat. She actually dropped us off at the wrong location. Thankfully we were only a block away.

The music however was a bit of a different story, we arrived just in time for the start of a Boney M mega mix courtesy of the worlds worst DJ. This was followed by a little Michael Jackson and then far too much country music. We met with friends of Mario’s who had acquired a table at the front of the gymnasium turned nightclub. Our table was directly below the DJ booth (not really a booth as behind him we could see children playing on gym mats). Nigel made a wonderful discovery and pointed it out to me so that I too could watch. This DJ who obviously was playing one CD that he had mixed previously or purchased from a TV commercial was actually trying to make it look like he was “spinning or scratching” it was really quite amusing.

At about 1 am or so we decided to leave Big hair hell and go out to a Bar, Mario and I pussed out and went to my apartment to pass out and Nigel continued to the bar.

Not a curry slut

2005-04-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

I went out with my friends for East Indian food last night. It was good times. It was Stella and her boyfriend Jim, myself and my friend Mario. I am not a real expert when it comes to East Indian food however, it seemed that my dinner mates may have been. While I was eating nothing but curried chicken and shrimp, they are all loading their plates with foods I have never heard of and would probably not like to eat. I am a real wuss when it comes to foreign food. When I spent time in Asia last year I was eating at KFC and Burger king.

So anyway we spent a lot of money on food and I got nice and drunk. Every body wins.

Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population me.

2005-04-22T08:59:00.000-05:00

I once again have been very lax with the updating due to a funk surrounding me. Three weeks ago my boy friend Adam and I decided to call it quits, rather I packed any stuff he had in my apartment and “politely” asked him to take it. I was going to put it all out in the back lane behind my apartment building but at the last minute I pussed out.

We have only spoken once since what I have decided to call “The big El Dumpo” and it was a very fun conversation. He has left me several voice mails, which I have decided to delete as soon as I hear them. Normally I would screen my calls but last night I answered and spoke to him. I was kind of hoping that he would ask to get back together or say he missed me, which he didn’t. The guy called to find out if he had any mail. What a bitch. I don’t know why I want him to say that he misses me or that he wants to come back, I dumped him and don’t really want him back. I guess I just want him to say it.

I am such a Fag.

The bus is no place for a Gentleman

2005-04-06T00:52:00.001-05:00

I took the bus to work today. I used to take the bus on a regular basis but for the last 4 months I have been getting spoiled by my good friend Stella who has been driving me in and then home. I don’t think that I am capable of riding the bus any longer. The sights and sounds (at one time very exciting as I am from a small town) are no longer enough to keep me entertained… I am not sure what I am going to do. Perhaps I will walk to work everyday. I work an approximate 2.5-hour walk from home. I can imagine I would burn off a lot of calories that way.

Anyway, so I was very prepared like a small child doing something for the first time… ticket in had. However, when I entered the bus I couldn’t find the ticket so I had to pay for the ride in to work. I wasn’t sure how much bus fare was at this point so I put in two bucks. I asked a co-worker later and she informed me bus fair was now $1.85. That’s ridiculous. Not only am I trashy (already well aware) but also I now have to drive with the other trash. Life sucks.

Olivia Newton John… You 3 named bitch.

2005-04-04T22:16:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night I went out to a bar for the first time in months. I was not originally going to go as I was meeting Adam there and he has a track record for being late that I have no patience to deal with. However my friend David (see: Jan 22/05) convinced me to go. Everything was going great until I realized that I am fat and disgusting and cant fit into anything in the closet.

I frantically destroyed the closet trying to find just the right clothing to wear out. I ended up wearing a pair of jeans so tight I couldn’t fit my keys in the pocket. I looked like 4 pounds of sausage in a two-dollar bag. The last time I went out to a bar it was a straight bar so generally every body was out of shape and poorly dressed. Well fuck you faggots.

I am not going to let all the in shape 21 year old twinks intimidate me… I don’t need to get physical. I am perfect the way I am. Which is why I ate nothing at all on Sunday and did 150 crunches on an exercise ball, the entire time wanting nothing more then some M&M’s.

Secret Godfather II prophecy revealed

2005-04-03T21:53:00.000-05:00

The Pope died on Saturday. This I do not intend to poke fun at, so please put down your rotten tomatoes now. What I do intent to bring light to is CNN’s wonderful coverage of the event… Or should I say the 24 hours leading up to the event.

I myself was off work on Friday and being the avid news junky that I am, I was constantly checking CNN’s website to find out the status of the Pontiff. I was witness to something very interesting. CNN having nothing better to report (evidently now that Terri in Florida is dead they have lost interest in her) would change the headline every five minutes. Each headline was another way to say basically this “Not dead yet… but maybe later”. The article did not change for hours but the headline changed several times. I saw “Pope grips to life”; “Pope has High Fever”, “Vatican: Pope in his final hours”; “Pope slipping away”; and well you get the general idea. I am also going to venture a guess that the headline “Pope hang’n in” was on stand by.

In between my CNN surfing I was also reading comments from other surfers regarding their feelings about the Pope’s death. Many of them had kind words and fond memories but so many more of them had such ignorant and uniformed opinions. The most common theory expressed was this: The Pope is dead, I guess that means that everything we don’t like about Catholicism will be fixed.”. I wondered if these people actually believed that? Do they not realize how long the Catholic religion has been around? Long, long before John Paul. I find it highly doubtful that the Vatican was just waiting for him to die so they could finally retire and worship a golden calf.

All of this said I should say that I did not agree with the Popes views on Homosexuality; he wore a dress and had a hat with jewels on it. People in glass cars shouldn’t throw stones.

All I really wanted was a break today

2005-03-13T08:40:00.000-06:00

Adam and I went to McDonalds yesterday for lunch, it was quite an experience. First of all you have to understand that I don't think either of us actually wanted to eat there but we were both just really fucking hungry. And after all the sign in the food court said that we would be "loving it", who am I to argue with clever marketing like that?

So I walk up to the counter after a long period of deliberation ready to place my order. A Philippino girl (whom I later learned from the receipt went by the name of Naurine) asks me what I would like, so I ordered 2 of the big -extra value meals. When she asked me what I would like to drink her accent was strong it sounded like she said "would you like cock?” I immediately said yes and was disappointed when she returned with a fountain drink.

Long story even longer when we got to our table we realized that we were given the wrong order so after arguing about who would be the one to cause a scene, I sent Adam to inquire with Naurine about the order. He was given another order, Upon opening the other order we discovered that it also was incorrect... Naurine was fucking with us, I was sure. We tried to eat the feast that filthy succubus has given us but instead after a couple bites we dropped it in the garbage and left.

Fags are such pussies.

A message from heaven

2005-03-12T12:28:00.000-06:00

When I started this blog I had no idea what impact it would leave on society. I had no idea just how quickly I would become a media darling. Overnight I went from having coffee at Tim Hortons to coffee at StarBucks. It just became too much for me, If I had to have my picture taken with one more sick child or adoring fan I dont know what I would do. I also developed an addiction to pain killers which I was taking for the hang nail on my right big toe, all of this added up to a case of extreme exaustion so I checked myself into a treatment center for a little while (Under the alias name of Anne Heche).

Well Im back out and ready to start telling people what to do again. Look for much more regular updates... after all I can't let that fat starwars kid hog the internet forever.

Ta

It was the best of times it was the......

2005-02-11T20:29:00.000-06:00

Forgive the fact that it has been so long since my last entry… I have been so busy with work.

Today I attended a company mandated class on Generational Diversity. Normally I wouldn’t really go for that kind of stuff but… It was pretty interesting; I was actually quite surprised by how much I enjoyed it. At one point during the class we were asked to list significant world events from the last 75 years, which may have helped to shape the views and (or) opinions of someone who had lived through those events.

So many horrible things have happened, we as a society are responsible for killing each other in 6 different wars; finding a way to kill 2000 people at once in 2 hits; we tied a defenseless 21 year old to a post and beat him to death simply because he was a little different; and sent countless young people to their graves fighting for a cause that statistically we didn’t agree with in the first place.

Now at first I thought, what a downer. However I came to the realization that things are changing. We will live to see the end of AIDS; Iraq just had its first ever democratic election; and best of all, I can now fall in love with who ever the fuck I want and there is no longer a goddamn thing anyone can do about it. I think before I go to bed tonight I will have a glass of wine and give my boyfriend a big hug.

Make love, not war

2005-01-31T20:50:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to say today so i thought instead I would put something up to make the ladies happy. Soon to follow will be pictures of my boyfriend and I... If that is, I can get this stupid camera to work.

Its oh so quiet

2005-01-30T20:23:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated in a few days so here is the skinny:

I got home safely from Pittsburgh but I have decided to block the entire incident from my memory. Its good to be home, even if the weather is "colder then a witches tit". Since arriving back home not too many interesting things have happened. Adam and I bought and put together an armoire which I think looks pretty spiffy. The armoire was a bitch to put together and like any other self respecting fags we stayed up until 2 AM building it and watching a Goldie Hawn movie.

If you want a good laugh I would suggest going to the following website... fucking hilarious

http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.html

jjj

2005-01-29T17:34:00.000-06:00

okay

Just a steel town girl on a saturday night

2005-01-27T20:54:00.000-06:00

I’ve been in Pittsburgh since Tuesday and cant wait to leave. I haven’t left the hotel once. Luckily for me the hotel is absolutely no where near any signs of life and even luckier, all of the meetings I came here to attend are in this hotel. Don’t get me wrong, this is a nice Hotel. I would recommend it to any family that needs somewhere nice to put aunts and uncles up for in the event of a funeral.

I’m not sure what I will miss the most about the hotel. Could it be the walls that smell of old people, or possibly the horrible stories that my bed sheets may be able to tell me if I listen carefully enough? I guess that in the grand scheme of things it’s not that important. I’m sure they make a cream for whatever I may have caught.

Sorry I don’t have more to say about Pittsburgh. I’m sure there are nice people here. After all, Canadians live here as well.

What the fuck happened to my week?

2005-01-25T19:33:00.000-06:00

6:50 AM - Winnipeg

Yesterday afternoon I went into my boss’s office and was presented with some interesting news. This news is the reason why at the present moment I am sitting alone at 630am in the pre-boarding section for NorthWest Airlines. I was informed yesterday that I needed to go to Pittsburgh for a work conference. My first thoughts should have been, what a great opportunity. In truth the first thought that crossed my mind was that I hope Pittsburgh is as much fun as it looks on “Queer as folk”. In reality that show is filmed in Toronto so my chances of running into all sorts of Abacrombie and Finch models in the street are probably slim (I’m sure my boyfriend doesn’t mind).

So as I stated earlier that I am sitting waiting for my flight to board. There is an elderly lady beside me who is complaining about how long of a line up there was at check in. I’m not sure why but I felt compelled to tell her a complete lie about how last year when I was in Hong Kong the line up lasted 4 hours… She bought the lie, in a way it’s her fault.

Well they have called my flight so I must go.

8:16 AM - Somewhere over Minnesota (I think)

I have the honor of having a seat in the row closest to first class without being first class. All that separates us is a Curtain. I witnessed something unpleasant as I entered the plane and surveyed the 4 rows of first class, this unpleasant sight is prompting me to ask this important question: At what point in your life does it become acceptable for you to pick your nose in public? Thank God that curtain in front of me is there to put me in my place.

Something else strange that I have noticed is that in front of me along with the standard travel related articles such as the sick bag and head phones is the in flight safety booklet. On its own that really isnt anything different however I have noticed inside there are 3 items prohibited on northwestern flights: Cell phones, Lap tops during take off, and 1 more item. Can you guess what that other item is? It’s not a knife, its not a lighter, its not even a weapon… I don’t think. Northwest Airlines does not allow for the transport of remote controlled toy cars on their flights.

9:15 AM – Minneapolis Intl Airport.

I can’t believe that you are not permitted to smoke at the airport. I so badly want a cigarette. I was informed by a very polite gentleman from the information counter named Chris that if I really wanted to smoke all I had to do was exit the airport. What he failed to mention was the tiny detail involving how difficult it would be for me to get back in and still catch my flight for Pittsburgh.

There are these two bikers who are staring at me as I type. They are laughing quite a bit and I think I heard one call me a sissy. I have decided that I am going to go over there and talk to them. I have decided that I will march right over and spit on the fat one (to be honest they are both quite fat but one is clearly the alpha male). After I get out of the hospital perhaps I will be able to eat in my own.

Well it looks like they are calling my flight. I hope I get a meal on this flight… or perhaps we will have Mrs. Congeniality as the in-flight movie.

11:00 AM – Now entering PA air space.

It looks like I was in luck and they are serving a meal on this plane, I can’t believe that I got to keep whole granola bar to myself, I have never been treated this well in my life. Except for that time at the hospital when I passed out and pissed myself. As you may be able to tell I am not that happy. I am very hungry and want a cigarette, so badly that I am considering joining the “mile high” club with a withered old stewardess just so I can smoke afterwards in the bathroom and steal some more granola bars.

Give me some sugar baby

2005-01-22T20:12:00.000-06:00

Above is a picture of my friend David. David is a PHD student/restaurant manager. He is also one of the sweetest guys I know and is in ridiculous good shape.

What's shocking about David is that he's single. Come on guys... he’s quite a catch! If you would like to get some more info on David please feel free to email me at bdymond@mts.net

Ladies need not apply.

What are you doing later tonight?

2005-01-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

Earlier today I had made plans to go out drinking with a friend of mine. I called her at about 830pm to confirm the plans. Her roommate, also a friend of mine answered the phone. The first thing she said before I could speak to Cathrina was something in regards to how I was probably calling to ditch Cathrina at the last minute. At first I was extremely offended by this, so I asked Cathrina about it and she seemed to have the same opinion. Here’s the worst part: I was seriously considering ditching her.

I can’t believe it! I have become what I hate. I have gained the reputation of being a ditcher. As I look back now I can think of about ten incidents in the last month where I have made plans with friends and cancelled at the last minute. I can even remember making plans to see a movie with my best friend Mel, and then at the last minute I made other plans and didn’t tell her. I was one of those kids who in high school would make plans with other kids and then sit at home on a Friday night having a panic attack because I got ditched.

If I have ditched you in the past I am sorry. I will ditch no more… unless something really fun comes up that I just don’t want to bring you to.

I will not give into the Bitch that is "title's"

2005-01-15T20:49:00.000-06:00

Well its been a while since I’ve updated the site so I have a few things on my mind. Particularly this, I was driving home from work with my friend Stella last week and I had 2 interesting thoughts in my head.

First, if the car broke down on the highway could I find an animal to sleep in?

The second thought was a little more detailed. When you were a kid did you ever pass buy someone on the street and wonder what was going on their head? Lately I can’t stop thinking about that. For instance, we passed by an elderly woman waiting at cross walk. I was wondering what was going on in that head of hers… was she thinking a) I should have worn a hat; b)I wonder if this weather will ever get better or; c)will anyone ever find out about when I was 13 and I smothered my baby in the shed?

I have become consumed with this way of thinking…. Every time I see someone on the street I keep assuming the worst of him or her. I saw a man last week in front of my building and I started imagining that he was filled from remorse of the night before… why was he playing poker in the first place? Why would he make such a silly bet? Why cant he remember how that man’s toe got in his front pocket?

HAPPY NEWYEAR!

2005-01-01T18:53:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend Adam and I went out last night for New Years and got completely hammered. It was a good time had by all… When we got up this afternoon we decided to watch a movie, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. I first saw this movie when I was about 10 years old and at the time found it to be the greatest movie ever made. I must not have seen to many movies at that in my life. Watching it now was almost a religious experience. I now believe that Elvira came to this earth to entertain gay 10 year olds. We borrowed the movie from our good friend Stella. Stella was also kind enough to lend us the movie, Elvira’s Haunted Hills. The second movie is no where near as good as the first however it does star Richard Obrian better know as Riffraff in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

After watching the movies I was bored and just screwing around on the Internet and found a very disturbing website. I really cant say much about it, I would advise taking a look. Its time to find out how truly evil the world is.
http://www.blessedquietness.com/journal/resource/pokemon.htm

My New Years resolution was to quit smoking. I have already failed. The first thing I did when I woke up today was light a smoke. I suck at quitting, this isn’t the first time I have tried. Back in the spring I got the Nicorette patch and was doing pretty good, after 2 weeks I was only smoking 1 a day. Then I arrived in the Philippines, which does not allow the sale of the nicotine patch. Also its important to realize that cigarettes were so cheap in Asia that I would be a fool not to smoke! So, long story even longer I started smoking twice as much and now I will have to try twice as hard to quit.

As Jesus once said: Fuck it.

2005-01-01T17:17:00.000-06:00

The sophisticated Homo

The joy of Xmas

2004-12-25T08:05:00.000-06:00

Its Christmas morning. I am quite bored, my boyfriend is in the shower and I am watching the Princess Bride on BRAVO. I got Adam the new Lord of the Rings movie for Christmas, we started watching it but had to stop.... Too bad. The chance was exciting me that we would see hobbit love. The love that dare not speak its name in middle earth. We only watched up until the point when the wizard who was married to Whoopie Goldberg gets stabbed and falls off of the giant black penis. I have to admit that yesterday I was quite excited by the chance to watch "A Christmas story" for 24 hours on TBS. I am officially sick of this movie. I don’t want to hear about it again until next Christmas when I watch it for another 24 hours.

A fun fact about the movie "A Christmas Story" is that one of the actors from the movie became a porno star. A common misconception is that the actor who turned into a porn star was the kid who played the baby brother. This is incorrect. After doing a bit of Internet research last night I discovered that actually the porn star is a guy named Scott Schwartz. Schwartz played "flick", better known as the kid who got his tongue stuck to the flagpole. After a few movies as a kid he gave up on conventional films and emerged in the late eighties as a porno star. He has since "acted" in over 15 XXX movies. That’s right, it seems that he gets his tongue stuck to much more than the flag pole now. The titles of his films range from "New wave Hookers 5" to "The Wrong Snatch". For more information on Scott Scwartz I suggest that you check with your local adult oriented Video store.

Well that’s it for me. I need to shower and get ready so that I may join my family for the rest of the day. I have heard from my brother that my parents got me the thoughtful gift of money.

God bless us every one.

God bless us everyone

2004-12-23T20:54:00.000-06:00

Its 1 day away from Xmas.

Sorry if I offend anyone with the use of that term, Xmas. I was watching CNN this morning before work and there was this interesting story about the christian coalition. They have asked the born agains to boycott any department store that doesnt use the word Christmas in their ads. The reasoning behind this is that aparently we as a society are discrimating against christians by refering to the days surounding Christmas as the "holiday season". I guess it hurts Jesus's fealings or something. I was thinking about this all day and I just can't figure it out.

Its funny how the same group of people responsible for belittling the spirituality of so many others over the last 1000 years, are the first ones to cry foul when they cant have Jesus as a co-pilot when they buy underwear at Target...

Merry XMAS every one!

But ya are Blanche! Ya are in that chair!

2004-12-19T10:30:00.000-06:00

I went shopping yesterday at Wal-Mart.... What a dumb thing to do. I always wait until the last minute to go shopping for xmas. While I was at Wal-Mart I was involved in a altercation with a fat woman riding a RASCAL. For those of you who don't know, the RASCAL is the complimentary electronic shopping cart that Wal-Mart provides for fat people. I was coming around one corner with my shopping cart and she was coming around the other in hers. We intersected with a Christmas Bang! She began to yell at me for not paying attention. I said "I didn't see you coming around in that chair" , she responded with "You cant treat me this way because of this chair and my handicap!". Not once did I notice a handicap then her wonderful size. I called her a cunt and then left Wal-Mart as quickly as I could. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Almost Forgot!

2004-12-16T20:12:00.000-06:00

I promised someone I would say hi. This hey goes out to the K to the P to the Osky

Lets burn this bitch to the Ground!

2004-12-16T19:44:00.000-06:00

Earlier this evening I was out eating at Montana's for my friend Davey's birthday party. As I was enjoying my plate of appetizer the conversation turned to shitty jobs. Midway through a cheese stick inspiration hit me like a wife beater. I would like to gather as many friends as I can and convince them all to take the summer off of work. Once we are all free from the ties of employment we will all apply for jobs at burger king. I wonder..... How long would it take for us to screw around enough to completely bankrupt the place? Imagine all the fun we would have!

Now of course I would never accually do this... At the age of fifteen I was told that I was not qualified to work in fast food. I applied for a job at McDonald's and was informed by the manager that I was not the right "material" for the job. This was quite a burn for me... It would not have been so bad had I not been watching a couple of guys with downsyndrome atempt to work the fry baskets in the background.

I brought up this McDonald's story to a friend of mine at the dinner and he himself a former Manager of a McDonald's location informed me that when McDonald's hires a "special needs" employee, they don't get paid. All they get is a free value meal. I know this shouldn't be funny.... But I can't stop laughing.

Its the most wonderful time of the year

2004-12-14T17:15:00.000-06:00

HELLO EVERYONE! WELCOME TO MY BLOG. IT SEEMS LIKE NOW A DAYS EVERY ONE HAS ONE, WELL NOW SO DO I. I AM NOT SURE WHAT I WILL POST ON HERE BUT IM SURE IT WILL BE ENJOYABLE FOR ALL. SOON TO COME I HOPE TO HAVE A LINK TO MY WEBCAM AS WELL AS SOME MORE PICTURES OF MY BOYFRIEND AND I (I GOT SOME REALLY GOOD ONES WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON ANYTHING YOU SEE HERE.

Oscar Wilde once said.....

2004-12-14T17:05:00.000-06:00

I may be lying in the gutter.... but I'm still looking up at the stars